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joyceepookicksu
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Name: Joyce
Country: Djibouti
Birthday: 5/11/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: playing everything, being everywhere, anything that makes me happy and feels gooooood.
Expertise: i've got lots. i'm good at being red. i'm good at being talkative. i'm good at being me.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  joyceepoop
Member Since:
2/23/2003
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| How do you become a parent and not go into it expecting to be the best parent you could possibly be to the child you are bringing into the world? I cannot imagine a parent not wanting to give their child everything they deserve. What mother denies the fact that her daughter was abused and lets her continue taking medication to surpress her nightmares because she thinks she's delusional? She's nine. How do you allow your children to sit there and watch you shoot up and get high while performing acts to strange men that you've met god knows where? My heart just feels for those kids. How do you sit there and listen to a 14 year old say she's had the best relationship with her dad in the past three months than she's had her entire lifetime, without letting it break your heart. She's 14 and she's only had three good months with her father? What do you say when you hear her say that her dad could have been with her on her birthday, but instead, went out with friends, got drunk and was arrested? What do you say when she says "he could've been with me, but instead decided to get roasted and thrown in jail....he could've been with me." I don't understand it and I applaud those parents for wanting to make a change, but it's just heartbreaking what these children have been exposed to and have dealt with. A family of nine, seven children, two parents. Every single one of them, in therapy. Every single one of them, traumatized. How do you, as a parent, not feel guilty that you are responsible for their misery, anger, sadness and hate? So many children, so little time...I'm glad they trust me enough to tell me their deepest, darkest fears and secrets, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to receive the information.
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| If I never do anything else great in this world, at least I can always say that I've made a difference in someone's life. Wow, the feeling is beyond words and nothing short of amazing. She wants to go to college, something she never even dreamed about before we spoke. I am so proud. I could live off of this feeling forever.
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| Fearless: possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to leave what is comfortable, remove yourself from what you know and risk it all for the unknown. It's filled with uncertainty and fear, but sometimes it's the best decision an individual can make. It's when you delve into this prospect that you being to really understand who you are and test your limits. When you're left wondering what could've been, just jump. It might be exhilarating.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau
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| I've figured it out. Some of it. At least the part about growing up. You know how you realize that you really are growing and maturing? When you don't let the things that used to affect you, get to you. Jaded, maybe, or apathy, or maybe it's just something else all together, but you learn that life isn't that pretty picture you've always painted for yourself. You can't depend on others or rely on them to be your support system. You do it yourself, you believe in yourself, you trust yourself, because at the end of the day, the only person you really can depend on is yourself. I'm getting better at it, and I've figured out the trick. You distance yourself from people and it makes it easier to keep your walls up. You keep the concrete walls up and you're always protected...let them down and the world comes crashing down. I've realized that life really isn't fair and I'll never understand it, but I can learn to accept it. It'll all make sense one of these days, but I won't wait for it. You can't talk your way through life, actions speak louder than words. Something that took me too long to realize. It's easy to make people believe what you want them to believe, I probably do it 85% of my day. In any case, that's just my take on things for today.
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| Shit man, I have no nails. That's the first thing that came to my mind as I was gnawing away at the nubbins that remain. I've been so stressed out from work and studying this past month, I'm just so dysfunctional. Minus the fact that I'm still pretty functional. Work has died down and we're just in the clean up process, it's chaotic, but manageable now. Thank god, going into work everyday and just hitting the ground running was so intense. There was no time to stop and eat, think or breathe.
This test has been giving me nightmares. I'm not so much stressed as I am scared. This is it. Fuck up and I'm done for. I think the hardest part about it all is that so many people have faith in me, I don't want to let anyone down. I've never been vulgar or crude, but excuse me just this once while I say that I'm going to rape this test, or at least make it squirm a bit. Something to make it pay for all the heart palpitations it's been giving me. Other than work and the damn test, things have been going fairly well. New batch of kids at the Social Services Department. I get to teach the younger kids this session, 6-9 year olds, adorable as usual. We have a Hawaiian girl in our class, she's so cute, reminds me of myself when I was younger: bad bangs, chubby, prim and proper but still out of control. I think she's my favorite. I have yet to find out what her history is, but I'm almost positive it has something to do with alcoholism.
So after barricading myself in an office after hours at work, the tight confinement, white walls and lack of windows, has actually made me sympathize a bit for people in maximum security. I take my practice tests and then I start thinking about all the crazy things that have happened in my life as of yet. It's pretty incredible that Hester and I have been friends for almost a decade. We talked about it this past weekend when she was screaming at me to stop playing the guitar with her sister. One of our friends asked how we ever became friends. The way he described us was "oil and water, feces and urine, boy and girl (asshole)" and was curious as to how this relationship began. After all these years, it's funny, but I never get tired of hearing the way it started... "I thought she was a bitch." We are so different, but at the same time, share the same ideals which ultimately is the hot glue that holds us together. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the times we have just outright screamed at each other, but I also don't have enough digits to count the times she's always been there for me and for that, I'm glad I gave her that dirty look Freshman year. I've been secretly writing my script for the speech I will be giving at her and Tony's wedding. I don't let her know, but I am looking forward to being her Maid of Honor and when the time comes, I'll actually be so happy to stand by her side. But of course, I don't let her know this, she's too busy planning her wedding and mine. If I were to show any interest, I would never hear the end of it. I think I've come to the realization that despite all the vile words and negativity she spews out at times, she is my biggest supporter and I am hers.
Alright, it's time to head to bed. I've started a new routine where I get up at the butt crack of dawn to study, so my brain learns how to be useful in the morning. We'll see how it goes...toodles.
I hate this damn test.
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